I’ve secretly been tweeting for the past year and a half

I’ve never really been a fan of social media. I used Facebook a lot during my early years of high school, but I’ve never really found the concept of social media that compelling—the entire premise just felt to me like it would be a great way to have a bad time. I severely waned down my Twitter usage years ago, and a little over one year ago, I pinned a tweet on my profile implicitly announcing my departure from the platform.

Well, I have more than one Twitter account. I have an alternate profile—one that I only let four of my friends follow. I thought it would be a convenient way to collect some of my short thoughts and funny moments that weren’t deep enough to warrant an entire blog post.

Today, I noticed that I had been selected as an early participant in the Twitter Circle early rollout and testing phase. This feature can functionally serve the same purpose as having an alternate account, so I made the decision to stop using my alt and go back to using my main, but only tweeting to my Circle.

As part of this transition, I decided to aggregate and share some of my better tweets from my alt account before I retire it (though I would un-retire it if Twitter decides to discontinue Circle at any point).

One of these days, I will stop misspelling “canker sore” as “cancer sore”

September 24, 2020

I spent literally like an hour and a half today trying to figure out the optimal food to eat when suffering from debilitating aphthous ulcer pain

… and then I just got a burger anyway

September 25, 2020

I am happy to announce that the canker sore is beginning to heal, and the pain has subsided enough that it doesn’t feel like I’m committing suicide every time I chew

September 27, 2020

Time to get in my gym sessions before January 1 when it gets flooded with new year’s resolution people

Paradise, NV
December 27, 2020

In today’s episode of “Chase Fraud Protection is useless,” let’s see if Chase can redeem itself from its 0% success rate in catching fraudulent transactions

Oh no, someone is spending $9 on your card at McDonald’s; block it!

Oops, that’s just Adam getting dinner

Still 0%

Los Angeles, CA
January 26, 2021

I am imagining a scenario where somebody purposely types something wrong, adds “that is a typo” after it, but typos and accidentally writes “that is not a typo” instead

I cannot stop laughing

Why am I like this

March 15, 2021

I have a paper cut under my fingernail

Except worse

Because the cut was caused by one of those sturdy plastic Pokémon card sleeves, so it’s thicker than normal paper cuts, and now it feels like the tip of my finger is going to fall off

April 20, 2021

omg this cut healed a couple days ago and then I got another one on the same finger on my opposite hand

April 27, 2021

Upside of parking under a tree: Less cabin overheating by avoiding direct sunlight in 105°F+ weather

Downside of parking under a tree: Every other bird in Utah insists my truck is their bathroom

St. George, UT
June 19, 2021

I drove past a used car dealership in the middle of nowhere in Missouri today and they had like 30 vehicles on the lot

Literally every single one of them was a pickup truck

Springfield, IL
July 10, 2021

I’ve made my way into the Eastern time zone, but kept my computer on Pacific time to keep things easier for work

I keep looking at the clock and thinking “wow, it’s not even noon and I’ve finished so much work today”

Then I remember it’s actually almost 3 PM

Indianapolis, IN
September 2, 2021

One of my favorite things to do at the airport is to sneak up behind people wearing their mask on their chin when they’re clearly not eating or drinking, and start coughing

Atlanta, GA
October 15, 2021

I got two free water bottles after checking into my hotel a few hours ago

I decided to bring one to the gym, but realized I misplaced them

I spent 2 min searching a tiny hotel room

Then I remembered that I put them in a spot so reasonable that I forgot where

The refrigerator

Albuquerque, NM
November 22, 2021

I’m so good at accidentally kicking things that at this point I’m pretty sure my brain just doesn’t know how big my feet are

Enterprise, NV
December 9, 2021

This is the second time in a row I’m eating sushi with my fingers because I forgot to check the stupid box to request utensils from the restaurant with my order

Loveland, CO
March 21, 2022

I just got attacked by violent, rampant, vicious tumbleweed in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming

I am literally not joking and not exaggerating

Gillette, WY
April 17, 2022

The amount that it rains in the Seattle area should be considered cruel and unusual punishment

Issaquah, WA
May 21, 2022

The person sitting next to me on this plane is nodding off so violently that I confused her for the guitarist of a heavy metal band

May 23, 2022

Great news, she woke up before breaking her neck and now she’s back to doing her crossword puzzle

May 23, 2022

Why is there a bird chirping outside my window at 3:58 AM

Tukwila, WA
May 29, 2022

One of my favorite things to do while driving is to watch compact sedans turn left, but they jerk to the right first so they turn really wide as if they’re towing a 20-foot trailer

Las Vegas, NV
September 28, 2020

Everybody needs to stop not having air conditioning

Los Angeles, CA
October 4, 2020

Every time I decide I am going to stay up late, I am hit with an overwhelming sense of drowsiness

October 29, 2020

I just got off a phone call with Tempo’s account manager at Chase Bank and I believe she is working from inside her fish tank today

January 19, 2021

I don’t understand why I’m able to park a full-size pickup truck between the lines, but California compact sedans require 1.5 parking spaces

Los Angeles, CA
January 28, 2021

Why do people say “I can’t hear you because of your mask” then proceed to take their own mask off as if that’s going to allow them to hear better

March 7, 2021

All three of my roommate’s cats are shedding their winter coats all at once and I didn’t realize cat hair could be considered a lifestyle until now

Paradise, NV
April 2, 2021

I have decided that one of the most amusing parts of my job is that, one moment, I’ll be handling a matter that could cost the company $400k, then the very next moment, I have to listen to someone have a meltdown about something that will cost ~$60 as if it’s the end of the world

April 15, 2021

I cooked today for the first time in several months and I forgot to salt my stupid salmon

Paradise, NV
April 27, 2021

I ordered a BTS promo meal thingy from McDonald’s and they didn’t give me the special promo sauce

Never lucky

Long Beach, CA
June 3, 2021

I watched two videos of someone cleaning out and trimming a cow’s hooves and now every other video on my YouTube recommendation page is of cows

Denver, CO
June 29, 2021

I asked for an American pickup truck for my rental at Avis

The woman said “we only have one truck left, but I know you’ll like it” and gave me the spot number to a Nissan Frontier

I’m pretty sure that is the most insulting thing you can possibly say and do to a truck enthusiast

Anaheim, CA
August 13, 2021

I don’t understand the people who say “photo dump!” on social media, and then only post 3 pictures

Louisville, KY
September 17, 2021

I needed to refuel my truck before leaving for my next hotel, so I looked up gas stations

I found one nearby across the street and thought “great, this is in walking distance”

I was already halfway there when I realized my minor error

Amarillo, TX
November 21, 2021

New Mexico is confusing because tow trucks are apparently allowed to use blue strobe lights here so I keep thinking I’m getting pulled over

Gallup, NM
November 28, 2021

I wonder if people in Louisiana who don’t know about the existence of Los Angeles, but do know about the existence of LA Fitness, ever assume LA Fitness was founded in Louisiana instead of Los Angeles, and then wonder why there are no LA Fitnesses in Louisiana

Long Beach, CA
December 28, 2021

Someone just came into the gym and set the temperature to 78°F

I am going to die

Loveland, CO
March 22, 2022

I just learned that WA passed a new law banning lids on drinks

If you want one, you have to ask and put it on yourself

I’m sure this highly effective law has saved many lids from all those people who look at their about-to-overflow lattes and say “I don’t need a lid for this”

Issaquah, WA
May 16, 2022

This is the coldest cold I’ve ever caught

I cannot stop sneezing

I cannot stop blowing my nose

I cannot

Tukwila, WA
May 22, 2022

I purchased a 1-gallon jug of water because it was like a quarter of the price of a six pack of bottled water

I am drinking straight out of it, and may or may not be spilling water everywhere

Can’t tell if I played the system or played myself

Henderson, NV
May 24, 2022