What a productive day. I vacuumed the house, organized my office, finished my laundry, cleaned out the garage, made new advertisements for our business (33% more drying time free at our laundromat, by the way), did some grocery shopping, and even got my hair cut. Meanwhile, one of my buddies had a plan.

"We regret to inform you that Adam Parkzer has died in a car collision and will no longer be able to main­tain his website. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause."

Does that look familiar? It should if you visited the home page of my website at all earlier today.

I handed all my instant messaging accounts over to one of my friends today, who prefers to remain anonymous. He played the role of a detective named Kurt Abernathy who was investigating my death. I think this whole situation is better explained by giving the highlight instant message conversations that he had today. The messages my friend sent will be marked by Parkzer, and all other people will be marked as Anonymous. Please note that conversations may be offensive.

Anonymous: OMG GUESS WHAT
Parkzer: Hello, I apologize but Adam is not available at the moment.
Anonymous: WHY NOT?
Anonymous: sorry caps
Parkzer: My name is Kurt Abernathy, I am a detective currently doing investigations regarding the hit-and-run car collision that resulted in the death of Adam Parkzer.
Anonymous: LOLWUT?
Anonymous: asshole, i actually believed u for a while
Parkzer: I understand that it can be difficult accepting the death of a close friend. May I ask you a few general questions about Adam?
Anonymous: wtf r u talking about
Parkzer: Let me know if you prefer not to be questioned. Your contribution will only help in finding justice for Adam Parkzer.
Anonymous: whoever the fuck u are, gtfo
Anonymous: or show tits
Anonymous: jk
Anonymous: sort of
Anonymous: never mind fuck off

Here’s one from a family member:

Anonymous: hey Adam
Parkzer: Hello, I apologize but Adam is not available at the moment. My name is Kurt Abernathy, I am a detective currently doing investigations regarding the hit-and-run car collision that resulted in the death of Adam Parkzer.
Anonymous: OHSHIT
Anonymous: WHY THE HELL AM I ALWAYS THE LAST ONE TO BE TOLD ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS
Anonymous has signed off.

She signed back on a short while later to confront Kurt:

Anonymous: HEY FUCKER
Anonymous: WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE, YOU BETTER GET THE FUCK OFF ADAM’S COMPUTER
Anonymous: BEFORE YOU GET ANAL RAPED
Anonymous: I JUST ASKED HIS MOM AND SHE FLIPPED SHIT AND HAD TO CALL HIM LIKE 23947234 TIMES FOR HIM TO PICK UP
Anonymous has signed off.

Here’s someone that knew right away because of special circumstances:

Anonymous: hey I have a question
Parkzer: Hello, my name is Kurt Abernathy, I am a detective currently doing investigations regarding the hit-and-run car collision that resulted in the death of Adam Parkzer.
Anonymous: stop trying to april fools me you idiot
Anonymous: I just saw you at sams club you fucknut

Here’s one from a little bastard:

Anonymous: hey can you help me
Parkzer: Hello, my name is Kurt Abernathy, I am a detective currently doing investigations regarding the hit-and-run car collision that resulted in the death of Adam Parkzer.
Anonymous: he died?
Anonymous: holy shit thats so cool
Anonymous: i wanted him to die anyway, all i do is use him to get help on my homework
Anonymous: wait, shit, i shouldntve said that
Anonymous: this is you, isnt it
Parkzer: I understand that it can be difficult accepting the death of a close friend. May I ask you a few general questions about Adam?
Anonymous: i have a bad feeling about this

Sadly, most people seemed to know right away it was an April Fool’s joke, though:

Anonymous: hey
Parkzer: Hello, I apologize but Adam is not available at the moment. My name is Kurt Abernathy, I am a detective currently doing investigations regarding the hit-and-run car collision that resulted in the death of Adam Parkzer.
Anonymous: lol nice april fools joke
Parkzer: I regret to inform you that this is not a joke. The timing of this incident makes it extremely difficult for me to conduct investigations, and I request for your full cooperation with this matter.
Anonymous: hahahaha
Parkzer: May I ask you some general questions regarding your relationship and communications with Adam Parkzer?
Anonymous: lolololol
Anonymous: hahahahaha
Anonymous: hahahaa
Anonymous: hahaha
Anonymous: haa
Anonymous: ha.
Parkzer: Thank you for your contributions; however, due to circumstances, I believe we no longer need any additional information from you.
Anonymous: too sexy for my shooorts

And here’s one from a poor person:

Anonymous: hey
Anonymous: wassup
Parkzer: Hello, I apologize but Adam is not available at the moment. My name is Kurt Abernathy, I am a detective currently doing investigations regarding the hit-and-run car collision that resulted in the death of Adam Parkzer.
Anonymous: shiiiit
Anonymous: thats horible
Anonymous: wait
Anonymous: does that mean i can keep the 2$ he lent me last week

Soon, the news of my "death" spread and people started messing around with my buddy:

Anonymous: ADAM COMMITTED SUICIDE
Anonymous: I SWEAR
Anonymous: I SAW HIM
Anonymous: THE WHOLE HIT AND RUN WAS A SETUP
Anonymous: HE DID IT ON PURPOSE

And some were overdramatic:

Anonymous: Hey, I heard that you’re doing investigations
Anonymous: I just wanted to let you know that we all loved him very much
Anonymous: More than anyone else in the world
Anonymous: And we would give him blow jobs if he ever wanted one
Anonymous: Because we just love him that much
Anonymous: Even though we’re guys
Anonymous: No homo

Some tried to get smart:

Anonymous: So when did this happen?
Parkzer: The collision happened at 5:02 AM this morning, United States Central time.
Anonymous: Okay, well, the ghost of Adam Parkzer must be updating his twitter page then.
Parkzer: We were already alerted about that Twitter post. We have concluded that Adam Parkzer has a script that regularly advertises automatically on his Twitter profile.

Another instance of intelligence:

Parkzer: Are you willing to cooperate with our investigations?
Anonymous: sure, but first, can I have your badge number?
Parkzer: I apologize, but I regret to inform you that I cannot reveal that information over electronic communications. If you require any additional information about my identity, please call our village hall at 1-847-639-0003.

Stupid idiot gave him the real number of the village hall. If he had called it, I could’ve gotten in a fair a­mount of trouble. -__- Moving on, some just got furious:

Anonymous: Are you unable to perform your job without consuting people from 500 miles away?
Parkzer: Sir, I AM performing my job BY consulting people from 500 miles away.

And some got annoyed, and decided to be annoying in return:

Anonymous: What is the point of life?
Anonymous: What is reality?
Parkzer: Thank you for your contribution to our investigation, that is all that we need from you at this time.
Anonymous: Does reality exist?
Anonymous: How much of reality do we know?
Anonymous: Is everybody’s reality different?

One person completely overlooked the part of the conversation when my friend said it was a hit-and-run car collision, and started giving suggestions on how the death could have occurred:

Anonymous: so when did this happen again?
Parkzer: The collision happened at 5:02 AM this morning, United States Central time.
Anonymous: maybe he choked on his cereal
Anonymous: or on his toast
Anonymous: while eating breakfast

I also learned something new about someone – that they’re quite nosy:

Anonymous: *poke*
Parkzer: Hello, I apologize but Adam is not available at the moment. My name is Kurt Abernathy, I am a detective currently doing investigations regarding the hit-and-run car collision that resulted in the death of Adam Parkzer.
Anonymous: howd you get his aim password?
Anonymous: wait
Anonymous: do you happen to have the password for his facebook account?
Parkzer: I apologize, but we cannot distribute such information. Why do you ask for his login credentials?
Anonymous: because i think him and my best friend have something goin on
Anonymous: wait
Anonymous: crap
Anonymous: shit
Anonymous: fuck
Anonymous: im so stupid
Anonymous: how the fuck did you just fool me like that
Anonymous: fucking ninja
Anonymous: i hate you

All in all, it was an enjoyable experience for me. I learned quite a bit about the people I talk with everyday, and freaked out some people that IMed me today for the first time. I know that claiming someone’s death isn’t a very original April Fool’s joke, but I’m glad that I still got some entertaining results out of it. :D